The Bruce Willis Movie Review

This site may not be what you think it is!

This site is not about Bruce Willis reviewing movies

It's not even about reviewing Bruce Willis movies, although since Bruce Willis is my ultimate hero, I have seen nearly all his movies and have a section dedicated to them

What this site is really about is answering the question, What would Bruce do? In the interest of keeping it distinct from a series of lapel buttons and billboards asking a similar question about a much more famous guy, I decided to call it the Bruce Willis Movie Review.

Here's the concept: A few friends of mine and I have decided that almost any movie could be made much better by having Bruce Willis play one of the lead characters. Without raising the ugly subject of typecasting, it is still possible to say that Bruce exudes such raw masculinity that it's difficult for him to play any other than a certain type of character. Therefore, these other movies might go a little differently with him in charge.

A few quick examples:

Godzilla: A lot of people had problems with this movie. The problem was Matthew Broderick, in my opinion. Can you really believe Matthew Broderick chasing a gigantic lizard? I didn't think so. What you need to go after such a monster is a guy who's blown up jumbo jets using only a knife and a zippo, who's singlehandedly defeated armies of terrorists, who's blown up asteroids the size of Texas. The climax of the movie would culminate in a massive fight sequence between Bruce and the beast at the top of a huge skyscraper, in which a massive headbutt from Bruce would knock the creature off-balance, causing it to plummet to its death. Then Bruce would have found the baby Godzillas and killed all of them, perhaps saying something like, "You should have heard your brother squeal when I broke his f###ing neck!!"

Chasing Amy: There wouldn't have been much of a movie. If Bruce Willis had been in the movie, Allyssa wouldn't have been gay in the first place. Pheremones, baby!