Ringmaster

Review Date: June 1, 1999

Sorry it's taken me until Tuesday to get this review posted. It was a wild weekend; several friends were in from out of town, and I also had some "Home Improvement" projects to do, so I didn't find the time to write.

So Friday night my wife and I rented Ringmaster, the Jerry Springer movie which satirizes his own "talk" show. Jerry himself stars in it as Jerry Farrelly, host of a talk show which revels in the freakishness of ordinary people's lives. The movie follows several guests' lives before they do Jerry's show; a family which appears on I'm sleeping with my Stepdaddy, a woman whose boyfriend has slept with several of her friends, and, briefly, a young man appearing on the episode Man by day, Woman by night.

I thought the movie was hilarious. My brother has also seen it and thought it was preachy, but I guess I didn't get that. I don't actually watch Jerry Springer--really, I don't--but I thought it was cool that Jerry would satirize himself that way, even though there were a few bits that on the surface might have been interpreted as attempting to excuse the self-congratulatory sleaze that characterizes the show. The funniest bit was the mother and daughter from I'm sleeping with my stepdaddy, after filming their show, sitting in a bar and watching the Man by day, Woman by night episode and laughing at these other people humiliating themselves on national TV.

So watching this movie begged the question, What would it be like if Bruce Willis had his own talk show? I've given this a lot of thought over the last few days, and I've come up with several scenarios.

My favorite scenario would be Bruce interviewing the sort of real-life "tough guys" he so often portrays, everyday heroes like outstanding police officers, firefighters, etc. Of course, the interviews would touch not only on their heroic exploits, but also on their regular life experiences. Here's an example:

BRUCE: So I hear you went to see the new Star Wars movie recently. Can you tell me about that?
GUEST: Well, I don't know. My kids really wanted to see this flick, so I'm standing in line to get into the movie, and this guy dressed up like some kinda freak cuts in front of me. I mean just pushes right in front of me.
BRUCE: Oh, man! I hate that. What did you do?
GUEST: Well, I got my kids with me, you know, so I don't want to be too big an assh### about it. So I just grabbed the guy's black cape and dragged him back outta the line.
BRUCE: The little freak. What happened then?
GUEST: The little fag##t starts waving this pink plastic sword around and tells me he's going to turn me on my dark side or something. Now I don't like my kids to hear talk like that, so I says, "Shaddup, or I'm gonna belt ya!" These dumbasses in front of me is laughin and eggin this guy on, and he takes a poke at me with his little plastic sword.
BRUCE: Jeez. Some guys are just ignorant I guess. What did you do?
GUEST: What do you think I did? I kicked his scrawny little ass.
BRUCE: Yeah?
GUEST: Yeah! Now my kids are all pissed off because they didn't get to see the movie, on account of they wouldn't let us in. But I figure they gotta see how a decent man is supposed to act. They don't need to see that fruity movie anyway, right?
BRUCE: You got that right. Alright, we gotta take a break. Coming up next, we got a man who rescued a 200-year old bottle of Scotch from a burning building, and we're gonna drink it. Don't go anywhere... or Mannie here's comin after yah!

Of course, probably no network would carry a talk show without celebrity guests. So Bruce would probably end up having to interview some people he wouldn't necessarily even talk to otherwise. "Celebrities of the moment," Hollywood hot stuff, guys like Leonardo DiCaprio...

BRUCE: So, Lenny...
LEONARDO: It's Leonardo, please.
BRUCE: Hey, kid, you're lucky to be on this show. Don't push it.
LEONARDO: I'm firing my agent.
BRUCE: Hey, if going on Rosie or Oprah and being drooled over by 300-pound bull dykes is your idea of a good career move, don't let me stop you. I just thought you might want a chance to explain yourself to some guys so that maybe your next part won't be a chick flick.
LEONARDO: OK, all right, yeah. What were you going to ask?
BRUCE: Well, I heard that a few months ago, you had a female fan sneak into your hotel room.
LEONARDO: Yeah, that's right. It's...
BRUCE: She was naked, right? In your bed.
LEONARDO: Yes...
BRUCE: Was she good-looking?
LEONARDO: Well, I don't know, it was pretty late, it was kind of dark... Yeah, I guess she was OK. She wasn't hideously ugly, anyway.
BRUCE: OK. I'm just trying to set this up here. So you go to your hotel room, climb into bed, and find a good-looking, willing, naked female waiting for you. What did you do?
LEONARDO: You know, it's one of the toughest parts of fame, having to deal with this type of thing. If it isn't the paparazzi, it's some obsessive fan...
BRUCE: Yeah, I didn't ask for a speech, son. What happened?
LEONARDO: Well, what could I do? I called hotel security and the police, and...
BRUCE: Are you gay?
LEONARDO: What?
BRUCE: You heard me, nancy boy.
LEONARDO: I... No. I'm not gay, I just didn't...
BRUCE: Have you ever heard of a rock star saying "I'm afraid you're going to have to get off the bus; I'm leaving town tomorrow, we'll never see each other again. This is just wrong. Besides, I'm not sure you're 18..."
LEONARDO: Well, no. But...
BRUCE: This is one of the perks of fame. You know what I would have done? I'd have taken her and... What's that? My producer is telling me to go to the phones. Line 1. Hello, caller?
CALLER (Female Voice): Bruce, you assh###!!!!
BRUCE: Demi?
CALLER: Leonardo, hon, don't you listen to him. Ever wonder why he has so many problems with women?
LEONARDO: Th...
BRUCE: Shut up, kid. Dammit Demi, quit calling my show! Did I come rough up Burt Reynolds when you were filming Striptease?
CALLER: Actually, no, you just called him up and told him you were going to watch all the dailies, so he better watch his hands.
BRUCE: Yeah, well, we were married then, you crazy bitch.
LEONARDO: Don't call her that...
CALLER: If I needed your help with Bruce I'd ask for it you little weasel. Keep out of this!
BRUCE: Somebody get this piece of crap off the set. Demi, I've got to let you go, it's time for commercial.
CALLER: I'm not done with you yet... <click>
BRUCE: We'll be right back after these messages with the top ten Samuel L. Jackson lines that you can say on TV. What? Oh, I'm sorry, that's the top ten Samuel L. Jackson lines that only have to be bleeped once for television. And later, pit bull trainer Art Neebe will be here to show us some of the incredible new advances in prosthetic limbs. Be right back.

That's the kind of show I'd like to think Bruce would have if he were to delve into the realm of talk TV. However, to be fair, since the topic for the week is the Jerry Springer movie Ringmaster, we should probably explore what that show would be like with Bruce at the helm. For this example, I will use the show from the movie, I'm sleeping with my stepdaddy. The setup is as follows:

A woman, her new husband, and her daughter all live together in a trailer. Also in the trailer park lives the daughter's "fiancee". The daughter works in housekeeping at a motel, apparently servicing the male guests as a sideline. The mother runs a snack van. The step-father is unemployed and sits around the house watching TV all day. The step-father and daughter are having an affair in addition to her motel knob-polishing. Her fiancee, however, has never touched her. The mother, aware of the affair, arranges to catch them in the act and then, in retaliation, uses her daughter's diaphragm and sleeps with the fiancee.

The step-father backs out at the last minute and refuses to appear on the show. The night before the show, the fiancee catches the daughter sleeping with another of Jerry's guests, the guy who's slept with several of his girlfriends good friends. Since I don't remember any of the names from the show (and since it's extremely easy to stereotype Jerry's guests) we'll call this guy "the dog."

So that's the situation as we open the show. We'll assume that the guests actually expect Jerry to be doing the show, and Bruce ends up subbing for him. (Otherwise, if the show had been Bruce's all along, I don't think that flying chairs and fistfights would be as common)

(Audience chanting) Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry...
BRUCE (steps out into aisle): Alright, everybody, shut up!
(Chanting quietens and stops)
BRUCE: Thank you. You're givin me a freaking headache. Now Jerry's a little under the weather today, so I stopped by to help him out. Anybody got a problem with that?
(Silence. Crickets chirp)
BRUCE: Okay. Now the show we're gonna do today, it's a good one, you're gonna like it...
(Squinting at the teleprompter)
BRUCE: The show is... I'm sleeping with my stepdaddy? Aw, jeez... Jerry, what kinda crap are you puttin on the air here...
(Audience cheers, starts chanting) Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce...
BRUCE: Hey, I told you to cut that racket out! Alright, let's bring out our guests...
(MOTHER, DAUGHTER, and FIANCEE walk onto stage. DAUGHTER is showing her stuff, strutting and shaking her ass. Audience cheers. Male audience members start whooping.)
(I'm skipping introductions because I forget the characters' names)
BRUCE (to DAUGHTER): So you've been having an affair with your stepdaddy. How long has this been going on?
DAUGHTER: About 3 months.
BRUCE: Well, not coming on this show was the smartest thing that assh### ever did. If I had the son of a bitch who screwed his wife's daughter in front of me right now...
MOTHER (to daughter): You did what? In my house? I can't believe...
BRUCE: Hang on a second here. (turns to MOTHER) What the hell are you talking about?
MOTHER: Well, I'm just saying...
BRUCE: Cause correct me if I'm wrong, but you're the one who called the show, right?
MOTHER (meekly): Yes...
BRUCE: Which means that you already knew about this, right?
MOTHER (visibly withering): Yes, but...
BRUCE: But nothing! You knew this was going on, but didn't do anything about it, so I don't want to hear this (high-pitched) "You did what?" You should have kicked both their asses a long time ago. (Sighs) Okay, now... what happened when you found out about this?
MOTHER: I began having sex with her fiancee.
DAUGHTER (yelling): And she used my diaphragm and my clothes!
BRUCE (turns to DAUGHTER): When I want you to talk I'll tell you to! (to FIANCEE) So what did you think when you found out about all this?
FIANCEE: Well, I was pissed off. I mean, she and I never had sex, she just wanted to marry me 'cause she was pregnant with her stepdaddy's kid!
MOTHER: What?!?
(DAUGHTER looks angry, crosses her arms)
BRUCE (to FIANCEE): You never touched her? But you screwed her mom?
(FIANCEE nods, looking at his feet the whole time)
BRUCE (looks MOTHER up and down appraisingly): Not bad, kid.
FIANCEE: And then last night I found her sleeping with him! (points to THE DOG, in the audience)
(THE DOG's GIRLFRIEND jumps up screaming. Her FRIENDs also jump up. THE DOG hides his head in his hands. GIRLFRIEND rushes the stage and attacks DAUGHTER. MOTHER jumps up to defend DAUGHTER. Security runs onto the stage and tries to separate the three women. BRUCE grabs GIRLFRIEND by the back of her collar and pulls her off of DAUGHTER.)
BRUCE: If you don't get back in your seat right now, your ass is gonna be sore for a week.
(GIRLFRIEND is taken aback. THE DOG jumps out of his seat.)
THE DOG: You better take your hands off her right now.
BRUCE (turns head slowly toward THE DOG, releases his grip on GIRLFRIEND who slumps to the floor and scrambles back to her seat): Did I hear you say something?
THE DOG: Damn right you did.
BRUCE: Is that right. (walks toward THE DOG) Well, I let her go. Are you gonna sit the f### down or am I gonna have to get pissed off?
THE DOG: Uh, I'll sit.
(Security is getting things calmed down. GIRLFRIEND's FRIENDs are still on their feet yelling about something. Finally we hear one of them)
FRIEND #1: Then how come we saw that DOG last night with her? (pointing to MOTHER)
GIRLFRIEND (to DOG): You f###ed that skanky old bitch too? (stands up as if about to rush the stage again. Sits down again after a look from BRUCE) BRUCE (Turns to FIANCEE): You know, boy, you're not too old for an ass-whupping. (Pauses for a long beat. Looks around. Sighs) I guess this is the part of the show where Jerry says something to try to make sense out of all this. But I'm not Jerry, and the truth is, I think you're all fu##ed in the head.
(Bible-banging ASSHOLE in the audience jumps up and starts yelling.) ASSHOLE: You're all disgusting! You're all sinners! You shouldn't be on TV!
BRUCE: Sit the fu## down before I shoot you, assh###. You came to see the goddamn show, didn't you? Turn those damn cameras off, I'm sick of this...
(AUDIENCE sits in stunned silence during closing credits)

Well, that how I think it would happen, were Bruce to take over for Jerry for a day. Of course, I could be wrong. E-mail me and let me know what you think would happen. And if you actually watch Jerry Springer, there are probably other sites where you could be spending your time. Any pro-Jerry mail senders will be ignored (unless they're really funny).