Various Movies

Review Date: August 17, 1999

Shakespeare in Love

A pretty good movie. I feel strange, since this is nominally a chick flick and I seemed more interested in seeing it than my wife. It was good, though. For those of us who majored in English and know a thing or two about Shakespeare, you'll see some gags coming before they get there and get some gags that others won't. For those of you who know little or nothing about Shakespeare, the major gags you don't get are explained in the movie. For Bruce Willis fans--I don't know about you, but I just can't imagine Bruce in tights. However, he'd fit right in in the fight scenes or the tavern scene. Actually, right now I'm getting a mental picture of Bruce bedecked in the garb of a 16th century English nobleman, and I think it would be hilarious! Do you think he'd ever do a period piece?

Saving Private Ryan

Wow. This movie was so graphic, I had to take a break about 20 minutes into it. Luckily, after the invasion scene the pace lets up a bit. Anyway, I don't think the presence of Bruce could have made this movie any more violent (a common theme I explore) but if he'd been in it, I'm pretty sure someone besides Ryan and the big coward would have survived to the end.

A Simple Plan

Once again, I have to say that Billy Bob Thornton is good in everything he does, although he's usually better than he is in this movie. However, Bill Paxton was surprisingly good, I thought, considering his recent wooden turns in Twister and Mighty Joe Young. This movie is as dark as or darker than Very Bad Things, but is better in that it doesn't try and fail to be funny. As in that movie, a plan is made that Bruce, if involved, would have either changed to suit him or made to work correctly by insuring that his weak partners didn't buckle under the strain. Also, probably the bitchiness of Bill Paxton's wife (played by Bridget Fonda) would have been played up more. We all know what Bruce's luck with women is like.

She's All That

If Bruce had been in this movie, it would have ended very quickly when he was arrested for statutory rape. Let's face it, Bruce is just too old to play in a highschool movie. I think he was born too old to be in a highschool movie. I guess he could have played the girl's father, but then nobody would have taken her to the prom! Can you imagine walking up to his door and saying "Excuse me, Mr. Willis, but I'm here for your daughter." You'd soil yourself and never get your tux deposit back!

8MM

Nicholas Cage is a pretty good choice for an action hero, if you can't get Bruce Willis. This movie is more of a thriller than an action movie, but the archetype is there. In this movie his character ends up out of his depth in dealing with snuff-film-making porn industry people. Can you imagine Bruce being waylaid by these jokers? I didn't think so. This film ends with a scary, mysterious character finally being unmasked and revealed to be a very normal-looking (fairly geeky-looking actually) average joe, who then annoyingly underlines the point being made here by asking Cage's character "What did you expect? A monster?" Bruce would have shot him then and there.

Enemy of the State

Will Smith is cool. You can't deny it. So is Gene Hackman. So was this movie. But as cool as this movie was, it could have been improved by a Bruce-diving-toward-the-camera-while-a-building-explodes-behind-him shot. What movie couldn't? Personally, I think that should be a requirement at the studios.

Payback

This movie was great! Sometimes Mel Gibson is cool, sometimes he's not, but this one really hit the nail on the head. I was kind of ticked off for a minute when I thought a dog had died (THAT'S one for a shrink, the violence towards humans doesn't bother me, but hurt a dog and I go off!) but it turned out the dog was OK, so I give this one a definite thumbs up. Again, Bruce's presence couldn't have added to the violence any, but he could have made just about any character (except the chick--yum!) more likeable.